There's No Such Thing As A Vertical Mamba, Dammit!
by Runaway Roadkill
Summary: A new law and sudden visit from our favourite terrorist brings old secrets to light. Shinpachi may need therapy. GinZura


**AN: Just a warning: grammar, puncuation and structure are all non-existent in this fanfiction. The whole things not very good but hey I tried D: (Please forgive me)  
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_Disclaimer: I dont own Gintama._

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"In breaking news today the Bakafu recently passed a new controversial law banning all beings Human or Amanto from engaging in homosexual activity, our reporter is live downtown right now. Ketsuno? Ketsuno Ana?"

"Yes Ketsuno Ana here. Riots broke out downtown this morning as people of all ages rallied against this new law that was just introduced the Bakafu are expected to ma-"

Gintoki turned off the television with a sigh "Uhhh? What is this a joke? With most Amanto you cant even tell their genders how can we tell if they're cheating?"

Shinpachi frowned, "Only you Gin-san could equate breaking a law with cheating on a school essay"

"Essay what? You're not making any sense Shinpachi, go do the laundry or something" Gintoki leaned forward, his nose cavity search apparently over for the time being "You know the other day I saw two fish men getting it on in town, seriously, FISH MEN right in the middle of the street!"

"Gin-chan whats 'getting it on'?"

"Its you know, that thing, the horizontal mamba...or should that be the vertical mamba cause technically they were still standing but wait...wouldn't that make it a normal mamba...?"

"Can we not talk about this." Shinpachi deadpanned.

Turning towards the glasses-wearing teen a slight devious grin enveloped Gintokis face as he leaned forward "Speaking of monsters getting it on, shouldn't you be a bit more worried about your sister, Shinpachi-kun?"

A slight tick above Shinpachis eye Gintoki hadnt noticed before went haywire, perhaps the only warning sign as he lunged forward to grab Gintoki by the neck. "WHATS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! HUH?! HUH?! YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL SHES GOING TO GET MARRIED SOMEDAY that's right married to a well respected businessman and become a housewife..." Shinpachi trailed off into mumbling that appeared to be directed more at himself then the currently unimpressed Gintoki. Even Kagura looked doubtful from her position under the giant mass of fur that was Sadaharu.

Sighing Shinpachi seemed to come back to himself "Why would they do this though? The Bakafu haven't called the shots in a long time so why would the Amanto waste their time implementing a law like this there must be a reason"

"Its for the Samurai Shinpachi, one by one they're taking away things that matter" A rare seriousness had taken over Gintokis eyes. "During times of war things like gender didn't matter, it wasn't uncommon for soldiers to turn to their own comrades for companionship, just to feel alive again, surrounded by so much death you would take whatever comfort you could get"

An odd sort of silence settled over the Yorozura as Gintoki shrugged to himself as he flopped back on the couch and picked his Shonen Jump off the floor to read again.

Of course that kind of silence would never last in a place like this.

"All men think with their pants uh-huh did you do that too Gin-chan?"

A faint choking emitted from Shinpachis direction "KAGURA-CHAN dont ask something like tha-"

Gintoki grinned "I did actually"

"DON'T ANSWER IT" The choking quickly becomes a wheezing as Shinpachis eyes nearly bulged out of his head at the unexpected emission.

Kagura continued unfazed "With how many? Anyone we know"

"OY OY OY what do you mean how many?! Gin chans no whore there was only one thankyou ve-"

DING DONG.

A breath Shinpachi hadn't even realised he'd been holding came out with a hiss as the door bell thankfully interupted what was no doubt going to be mentally traumatising admission. It usually was with Gintoki.

The door was flung open before Shinpachi could even rise from his seat as self proclaimed freedom fighter and lover of all things fluffy, Katsura Kotoro flung himself into the small apartment quickly shutting the door as sirens blared from the distance.

'Why did he ring the bell if he was just going to barge in anyway?' Shinpachi thought hysterically.

Not even glancing up from his Shonen Jump Gintoki drawled the sentence Shinpachi was certain he would be repeating to a psychiatrist later "Well speak of the devil we were just talking about you Zura, I was just telling the kids how you and I used to be buttbuddies"

Silence.

Mortified silence.

Kagura looked mildly intrigued as she waited for a reply and Shinpachi struggled to breathe in the corner.

For the first time ever total silence reigned in the Yorozuya.

As the sirens passed Katsura straightened up with as much dignity as he could muster, opened the door and paused briefly to offer only one remark as he left.

"...Its not Zura its Katsura!"


End file.
